“Are you ready?” my housemate asked.

(She was reacting to seeing my boxes and small furniture piled up in the living room.)

“Physically, yes.” I replied as I pointed at my boxes. Most of the boxes were still open with an assortment of Whey protein bottles and other junk.

“Emotionally… no.”

***

Mahirap kasi nasanay na ako na may kasama ako lagi sa kwarto.

May laging yumayakap sa akin dati.

I know, so fucking cheesy!

I mean seriously kasi. It’s kind of unfair to draw comparisons but that’s how the arguments had panned out.

It’s like I’m just a bullet and he’s the train.

What right do I have to feel what I feel when he is going through hell? It would be best if I kept quiet, patient, and walked with him during this difficult period. After what happened to him, to us, late last year.

Kahit anong gawin ko, kahit baliktarin ko… it’s still the same. Even if I stood by him, I would be losing a piece of myself each day. I’ve become a monster in frustration. I’ve said this before.

Yes, I’ve cried. It breaks my heart that I am leaving. I’m not heartless.

All I feel is that it is the right thing to do. Something’s got to budge. We cannot live on a street with a dead end.

***

There’s a scene in HBO’s Girls when Hannah’s mom, still distraught after learning her husband is gay, shares with a group of other women how she feels.

One by one the other women share what’s bothering them (like a cheating husband). So when Hannah’s mom says out loud, “My husband’s gay.”…

THE OTHER WOMEN LAUGH AT HER.

“I wish my husband was gay!” — one of the women blurts out, almost mocking Hannah’s mom. The women continue laughing but the camera stays focused on Hannah’s mom.

She’s NOT laughing.

Sadly, no one at that table seemed to understand what horror she was going through.

• Find the joy of living free and independent. Do not be afraid to eat alone. Do not fear the thought of sleeping alone in bed. Turn off the music and listen to the roar of the train or the noise of the hawker centre. Go to the museum and appreciate what you see at your own pace. Walk into a Uniqlo and try something on without having to get someone’s approval. Buy yourself ice cream and watch people… while still appreciating your status as a living, breathing, and lucky human being.

• Get myself a G-Shock watch. There are things you want and there are things you need. You need a watch so you can stop the need to lift your phone up to check the time. You need to spend less time on your phone and more time appreciating what’s around you. You need to stop hoping someone buys you that damn watch. Get it yourself, George!

• Maintain my growing love for fitness. There are no excuses now that you’re getting older. You won’t have that youthful glow forever. Get yourself into the gym. Cross-training is important because you love dragon boating.

• Lift heavier weights. You’re not going anywhere if you’re not pushing yourself further. Destroy those old habits and same basic techniques. Learn the best practices.

• Remove the things I don’t need in my life. Physically remove the useless scrap. The old race bibs. The knickknacks and freebies you’ve accumulated from countless runs. Throw away the pack of 3D glasses from Shaw Lido. Throw away or recycle the dusty, old, or aged objects that give you bad feng shui. Surround yourself with pleasant objects and things.

• Accept that failing is acceptable. Quitting is not. What keeps you immobile or stuck on a plateau is the fear of failure. People fail. It’s okay to fail. It’s never okay to quit! Learn from a mistake and move on to the next.

• Develop a new artistic craft. Stop dreaming about old frustrations. If you want to dance, then learn how to dance. Write a script for a short film… even if you suck at writing, DAMN IT JUST KEEP WRITING AND WHO KNOWS WHAT GOOD IDEA MIGHT COME OUT. Stop self-censorship. Stop with “I can’t” and “it might be too expensive”. Just do it!

• Go solo backpacking. There are plenty of places to choose from. Do it!

• Dress better and carry myself with confidence. Dressing better means you feel more confident. Feel confident from within. Buy the nice brand of underwear. Stop selling yourself short. Tom Haverford said it best… TREAT YO SELF.

• Try something new every day. This doesn’t mean suck new dick every day. This simply means to stop ordering the same food at the same damn stall. There are plenty of choices out there and new things to try out that you might like.

I’m not turning 31 until July. But I just had this crazy idea to write this all down. xoxo

I’m one step closer to independent living.

I’m frightened. It will be the first time in eleven years that I’ll be “living on my own”. I know it’s the right thing for me. Maybe this is my chance to grow and discover new things about myself. I wouldn’t have to worry about what my partner needs or wants. I’ll have to worry about myself and what makes me happy.

I’ve chosen an exciting neighbourhood to relocate to. I think it’s one of the most authentic places in Singapore. Some may describe it as seedy… but I’d rather look at it is something real.

Which is exactly what I’m looking for right now. I want something real.

PS: It’s obviously a very personal time for me. I’m hoping with newfound independence I’ll be able to write more stories about my life in Singapore. More “me time”.