Noir.

I’m struggling through work. I’ll be candid about that. It’s ‘alarming’ and ‘deeply concerning’ that I haven’t ‘picked up’ the necessary skills needed to get the job I signed up for.

False.

I’m proud of myself for trying something new. I give myself credit for making a bold step to leave my comfort zone. I might not be as amazing as my peers but I’m something of my own. I am capable of being great at my own pace. I’ve launched projects and campaigns. I’ve made some good relations with stakeholders. Not all of them. But how could you when you have double the stakeholders. You’ll never be able to please every single one. Only manage. And, as my manager reminds me constantly, prioritise.

I think I’ve only recently gotten my bearings again after a rollercoaster 2017/2018. I struggle with mental health issues. I recognise the anxiety which drains me. I acknowledge I need help and I’ll be open about it. I know how it feels to stand twelve floors above and looking down into the abyss. I also know how it feels to stand 34 floors above the ground and looking out from the posh, well-stocked pantry of the tech company I work for. I feel fucking thankful. I’ve overcome challenges and doubt to get to where I stand.

If it’s a chemical imbalance, I’ll deal with it. I accept anxiety as a part of me that I need to manage. Like how I need to manage the next eBook I’m working on.

These are the times we live in. Filtered or unfiltered. Precious. Pretentious. Where we get older and age gracefully. Knocking down walls. Creating new ones. We respect the new paths created. Friends come and go. And they DO GO. Believe me.

But some stay.

I choose to stay. I know there’s still so much work to get done. It’ll be worth the struggle.

Two things:

  1. I love SUNMI. This is a great MV from her Noir single. I’m obsessed with LALALAY.
  2. I’ll be fine. I needed to blog this as an outlet.


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