Thoughts before my next move

The movers will be here in a few hours.

Here I go again. For the nth time in ten years, I’m moving houses. The new address is different from all previous ones. I’ve lived in condos and HDBs. This is the first time I’m moving into an apartment complex. How is it different? It’s not a ‘condo’ like what people would see these days. It’s an old apartment in an old (but historical) building in downtown Singapore. There’s even an MRT station downstairs. Like, literally, the building has it’s own access to the MRT. Anyone living there would be spoilt with choices. It’s a dream come true.

Except that it hasn’t felt that way in the past few days. I’m feeling anxious.

We started packing things into boxes more than a week ahead of our scheduled move. That’s when I noticed this… feeling of a cloud above my head. I’m feeling stressed when there’s really no reason to be stressed (the movers, permits, all of it… all completed ahead of time). Worried about packing my things? I have a boyfriend who is already disassembling furniture and putting my books into boxes. Why do I feel this way?

I tell myself that moving is one of the most stressful things anyone can experience, regardless how simple it may seem. I remind myself that things are in boxes for only a few days… and by the end of the month, they’ll be neatly in place again on shelves, cabinets, and tables. There will be a new space to decorate and make new memories. I should focus on that, right?

Or is it because at 37, I’m in a country where living in an HDB, condo, or city apartment is a fantasy. It’s like role-playing. I’ve yet to try for permanent residency status again even if I got rejected a few years ago. I guess no harm trying again? I hate this feeling of being transient. I’m starting to feel the pressure of wanting to settle down. I want to move into an apartment or dwelling that is entirely mine. Maybe I’m looking for something more permanent. But in this city? You love it. But IRL I’m just a statistic.

The thought of living in Tanjong Pagar was exciting. Now I’m worried I’ll miss the quiet parks here in Pasir Ris. I hope all goes well with the move later. I’ve done it a few times already. I’m sure I’ll deal.

Maybe once I’ve unpacked my things in the new apartment… the excitement will return. My old office was in Tanjong Pagar and that was my “work” neighbourhood for a good five years. I know where some of the good stuff is at. I should be happy.

For our last night in Pasir Ris, we packed the TV and the IKEA Kallax cabinet we had been using as a console. I unpacked the projector, connected it to my laptop, and played Extraordinary Attorney Woo on Netflix. Park Eun-bin is AMAZING.

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